Author's Note: Not too long ago I found myself on the Body Positivity panel at a SizeCon Mini. There were some great people on the panel and in the audience. I learned a lot.
EnormousEri brought up an issue I had honestly never thought about. When I think about representation I tend to think in terms of race or gender. If someone mentioned weight I'd think of the many images and stories I've seen of big beautiful women and men. I hadn't even thought about the other extreme. Eri wasn't seeing her body type when she looked through size content.
Better people than I gave her advice and shared their personal experience. I didn't have either, but I am a writer. I can't make the world better; but I can do better with my stories. I offered to write a piece that had the representation she was looking for and she very graciously allowed me into her DMs to ask her about her experiences.
After a couple false starts and numerous issues (I was finishing other stories and there were personal matters that kept my head out of writing) I finally finished and sent it off to Eri for her final approval. She was very forgiving of my silliness. Including the story title. Originally it was meant as a placeholder, but the more I wrote the more it seemed the best choice. Even if it is a bit on the nose.
Content Warning: There are moments of intimacy and tension, but the actual sex and gore occur offscreen. At its heart it's a love story between two women. There's enough blue language and an after-the-act bedroom scene that pull this into NSFW territory. Nudity is mentioned, but not dwelt on. And one of them becomes a giant.
Represent
copyright 2021
Taedis
“Stop picking on the girl and pass the gravy.”
“Who's picking? Is it my fault boys don't wanna date skeletons?”
“Maybe I don't want a boy.”
“You're too pretty to be a lesbin.”
“It's pronounced 'lesbian.' And I'm not. I'm bi.”
“Are we out of gravy or is everyone deaf?”
“The boat's sitting right there. If it were a snake it'd bite ya.”
“Here you go, gramp.”
“Please and thank you.”
“It's not healthy.”
“Maybe not, but I like it.”
“Not gravy, you damn fool. Erin's weight problem.”
“I had seconds for Chri … for crying out loud. I'd have thirds, but I heard there was pie.”
“Smart move. It's pecan this week.”
“Even if you get it down we all know where it's gonna end up.”
“Gram!”
“I know what they do.”
“I don't.”
“If you're so healthy do the thing your sister did.”
“Thing?”
“It's a scam.”
“It's not a scam. They're doing medical testing or some such. The flyer's by the door. Something something save the world.”
“And they took Mel?”
“It's a scam.”
“Hush, you. No, they didn't.”
“They'll be calling her inside the week. That's when they ask for money.”
“And she jogs.”
“So do I.”
“You don't need to. You're scrawny enough already.”
-----
Erin didn't find the flyer till she was scouring her purse for a Kleenex three days later.
PERFECT SPECIMENS NEEDED TO SAVE THE WORLD! The paper was purple, the ink white. There was a phone number. No address.
Erin wasn't going to call it.
Then she found the other surprise Gram had left her.
-----
“Have a seat, Ms. …” The doctor waved vaguely towards what might have been a chair under all the mess. The nameplate on her desk read “Dr. Justina Novak.”
“Erin.”
“She refused to leave, ma'am.”
The woman who'd escorted Erin in wore a uniform. Erin was pretty sure she was Army. Or Air Force. Maybe Marines. And either a captain or a wicked awesome private.
Erin wasn't very good at uniforms.
“Thank you, Gina.” Dr. Novak didn't look up from her desk as she took the file from Captain Private. “That'll be all.”
“Yes, ma'am.” Gina barely slowed as she walked past Erin and said. “We're looking for super-soldiers, not super-Karens.”
“It's not …” Erin watched the door close behind Gina before turning back towards Novak. “It's not like I asked to see a manager.”
Novak's glasses were in her right hand, Ernie's open folder in her left. If she'd heard Erin she didn't give any sign.
“Why are you here, Erin?” Novak tossed the file on the clutter and looked at Erin for the first time.
Erin took a second to do the emotional math. When the equations balanced she handed over a small piece of paper.
“'Eating Disorder Support'.” Novak crumpled it up and almost got it in the wastebasket the first try. There wasn't a second. “You don't need that.”
“Tell Gram. That's the fifth one she's stuck in my stuff this month.”
“You're sick of trying to prove you're healthy?”
“I'm sick of trying to prove I'm normal.”
“Tell me I'm not your doctor, but even if I was you're waiving confidentiality.”
“Why?”
“I'll feel better.”
“Ok. What you said.”
Novak took off her glasses long enough to read something from Erin's file. The landline she started dialing was older than either of them.
“What are you doing?”
“Meddling.” Whoever was on the other end must've picked up. “Hello, this is Dr. Novak. I was hoping to speak with Erin.”
“Is that Gram?”
“I'm sorry, ma'am. Looks like I accidentally called her emergency contact instead of her primary number. It's been one of those mornings. You understand.”
Pause.
“No, there's nothing wrong. I was just calling to let her know she'd been accepted into the program.”
Pause.
“No, this isn't bulimia support …. or that … I've never even heard of that, ma'am … Yes, 'save the world' … Tell him I'd think it was a scam too, ma'am.”
There was a long string of Gram words Erin couldn't make out from her side of the desk.
“I'm not her doctor, but you ARE her grandmother.” Novak flipped through Erin's file as she spoke. “Between you, me, and the wall Erin's probably the healthiest person to come across my desk. I've seen astronauts in worse shape than her.”
Gram sounded excited.
“I'd appreciate it if you kept this under your hat. Erin hasn't accepted yet, and I don't want to jinx anything. … You have a good day too, ma'am.”
Novak hung up.
“That outta get her off your back.”
“Did you mean that? All the things you told her?”
“With a little grandma inflation, yeah.” Novak nodded slightly.
“What about the part with the astronauts?”
“Not everyone we send into space is an Olympian.”
“If I'm so healthy why did what's her name reject me?”
“Your BMI's low.” Novak put the file back on the mess. “Some soldier's can't get past one number.”
“Then why do you have soldiers doing intakes?”
“It's a story.”
“Are you really making super-soldiers.”
“No.”
“Why'd she say it?”
“When the only tool you've got is a hammer everything looks like a nail.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“I asked you first.”
“I told you. Erin looked at the crumpled paper beside the wastebasket.
“That's taken care of.” Novak made a dismissive wave at the basket. “But you're still here.”
“I'm curious.”
“Don't blame you; I am a fascinating woman.”
“Are you really tying to save the world?”
“That's what the paper said.”
“What do you say?”
“I don't give a fig about super-soldiers. I'm looking for something … better.”
-----
It was easier to crash than turn.
It hadn't been the first fifteen times Erin passed that corner, but each revolution chipped away another sliver of her endurance and Erin only had fifteen slivers in her that morning.
The grass by that part of the track had been worn down. As she caught as much of her breath as she could Erin wondered how many other candidates came up empty at that turn. How many others had lain there defeated and pissed at themselves.
Captain Private wasn't one of them. Gina didn't say a word as she continued on around the corner, but her body language screamed condescension. She'd run as far and as fast as Erin, but was glowing going into the sixteenth instead of sprawled in a heap in the dirt.
“Don't let her get to you.” Erin was so focused on Gina she hadn't noticed the red headed stranger who'd stopped. “Her first day? She made it ten times around before she was puking her guts out right where … over there. On the other side of the track. Now that I think about it was the old track. We don't talk about the old track.”
“I'm Erin.” She managed to get her hand high enough to shake. If the big red-head cooperated.
“Inyari,” leaned down into the shake. “Nice to meet you.”
“You're not even sweating. How are you not sweating?”
“I wish. I'ma gonna be leaving two lakes behind in the change room once this sports bra hits the bench.”
“You're being nice and humble. How'm I supposed to hate the jock when she's being awesome?”
“How 'bout don't?” Inyari had a way of shaking her head when she spoke that made her long curls dance in the sun.
“It's a deal.”
“Join ya?” Inyari tilted her head at the spot beside Erin.
“It's a free vomitorium.”
“Thanks.” Inyari sat down. “And I'm not. A jock. I tried out for the club, but they rejected me.”
“Cause you're too nice?”
“You're gonna make me blush. You know that?”
“Do I even want to know how many times you made it your first try?”
“No.” Inyari shook her head. This close Erin could see the edge of sweat tightening the red curls. “I did marathons before coming here. Never came close to winning one, but I always finished. It'd be a jerk move to brag about that stuff.”
“Did you tell Gina?”
“Yeah, but she's a dick.”
“And I'm not?”
“Nope.”
“If you're that good why are you still out here with us amateurs?”
“I've got endurance to spare. Speed? That's a project.”
“Sounds like you could use a rabbit.”
“Maybe. You volunteering?”
“My endurance sucks …”
“It does not.”
“But I'm pretty speedy.”
“So you run away from me and I run towards you? Sounds like the story of my life.”
“I don't know anything about that. But I know you're always gonna catch me.”
“I could use some help catching up with the vomit comet.” Inyari offered her hand and Erin shook it. “Deal.”
“Deal.” Erin got up, brushed off the dirt, and patted Inyari's shoulder. “Tag. You're it.”
Erin was ten yards away by the time the larger woman got to her feet.
-----
“Hear you're getting the full tour today.”
“How many was that?”
“Twenty five.”
“Tomorrow it'll be 26.”
Neither woman called it “their” spot. The rest of the base did that for them. The two had been running together everyday for the past three weeks and gossip was one of the few ways to pass the time in a secure facility. Every morning they'd start their run and every run Erin would give up at the same stretch of track where Inyari had introduced herself. This time was different. This time Inyari collapsed with Erin instead of standing there waiting to be invited to sit.
“You're not even a little curious about the BIG SECRET?” Inyari said the last two words in her ominous voice.
“I'd rather find out what's up with this.” Erin gave the redhead a pointed look.
“What?”
“You don't even get winded till … have I ever seen you winded?”
“Guess someone's taken my breath away.”
“You are such a flirt.”
“Says the woman who said I'd always catch her.”
“That was different and you know it.”
“Yeah. I still haven't caught you.”
“You wanna circle back to my real question?”
“You want to circle back to mine? The big secret conspiracy under our feet.”
“In all honesty … I'd rather hear the story about that.” Erin nodded towards Inyari.
“They're called boobs.” Inyari looked down at her chest where Erin had nodded. “And the number one reason I can't match your speed. Anytime I try to get my fat ass even close to your pace I risk concussion.”
“You're not fat you're … zaftig.” Erin looked away. “And I was talking about the necklace, not your breasts. For the record.”
“Are you blushing?”
“No!”
“You are. That is so frickin' adorable.”
“I'm flushed. Some of us don't have your god-like stamina.”
“Now I need to come up with a sweet sounding foreign word to describe you.”
“Skinny.”
“Pretty sure that's English.”
“Scrawny.”
“That's a big nope.”
“Skeletal.”
“Screw that.”
“Ok, what do you want to call me?”
“Beautiful.” Inyari put her hand in Erin's.
“Pretty sure that's English.” Erin didn't pull her hand away.
“If the shoe fits …”
They sat there in silence on the side of the track catching their breaths and watching the other runners work their ways around the course. Erin noted no one else could match Inyari for endurance; Inyari knew no one was as fast as Erin. Gina came closest to both.
“I suck at subtext,” Erin broke the silence.
“I flunked at flirting.”
“Those meaningful looks everyone talks about? Meaningless.”
“I've wanted to kiss you since … forever.”
“Me too.” Erin looked down at their held hands.
“You wanna …?”
“Here?”
“No one cares.”
“I'm sweating like a horse. And a little snotty.”
“I don't mind.”
“okay”
-----
“So. You and Inyari.” Novak fiddled with the flashlight even though the corridor had lights strung along the ceiling as far as Erin could see.
“We just …” Erin was about to say “kissed”, but went with “… left each other. We aren't breaking any rules are we? No one told me anything about that.”
“Fraternization? You're civilians, who cares?” Novak continued down the corridor.
“Are we under surveillance? Cause this just happened. One shower ago.” Erin realized how that sounded. “One solo, by myself, very chaste and innocent shower ago.”
“We're all under surveillance. You put a skeleton crew into a confined area, take away their cable, data plans, and internet and suddenly everybody knows what everybody does. Human nature.”
“We're not in trouble?”
“Of course not.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“I'm not saying there was a betting pool. Or that it involved when a pair of highly compatible people would finally see the light and express a little affection towards each other.” Novak flipped the flashlight on when the overhead lights failed. The view went from boring military/industrial to horror movie in less than a second. “Or that anyone lost $50 cause it took you three damn weeks to figure out what everyone else on the base saw.”
“You're just saying that to distract me from the murder hole we're walking down, aren't you?”
“Where was that brain two weeks ago when you coulda saved me fifty bucks?”
“Wanna tell me what you keep down here?”
“Our alien.”
-----
It was another half hour before the corridor ended in the only door Erin had seen in over a mile.
It was wide open.
The soldier guarding it stood in an island of light just outside. She wore a different uniform than Gina's. Erin didn't bother trying to guess rank or service. She was glad to be at the end of the nightmare tunnel. Even if it meant face-huggers.
“Hi Sharon.” Novak pointed the flashlight at her own face before shining it on Erin's. “We're here for introductions.”
“Hi Doc. Newbie.” Sharon nodded at both of them. “You got the hall pass?”
“Right here.” Novak pulled a brick-sized wooden block out of her lab coat.
“That's a real hall pass.” Erin got a good look at it in Sharon's light.
“It better be.” Novak flipped it around in her hand. “I'd hate to think what'd happen to us if it were fake.”
“I mean it actually says 'hall pass' on it. Like a genuine 'Mrs.-Potter-I-gotta-go-to-the-girls'-room' kinda hall pass.”
“You should have taken care of that before we left.”
“I don't … You're distracting me again.”
“Maybe, but this is legit.” Novak started for the open door. “Log us in, Sharon.”
“Sure thing, Doc.” Sharon took out a clipboard, noted the time from a wind-up clock, and jotted it down with their names.
“We like to keep the tech at a minimum around here,” Novak explained. “Anything electronic has a tendency to not be electronic after a while.”
“You're all set, Doc.” Sharon nodded at Erin. “Good luck, newbie.”
“Ok … I … I thought … you made this sound like I was being taken to Area 51.” Erin made an expansive gesture taking it all in. “But this is … so not. If this is such a big deal why is the door open?”
“Cause we're not sure we could open it again.” Novak clutched the hall pass close to her hip.
“Seriously?”
“Sadly, yes. It took a team of three dozen geniuses in fields I can't even pronounce two months to open that door. The officer they put in charge of security insisted they keep it closed in between visits. It took them eight months to crack it a second time.”
“So the alien takes its security super seriously?”
“No.” Novak shook her head. “We got in cause it let us. No. that's not right. We got in cause it wanted to test us. See if we were smart enough to open a door.”
“Why?”
“Because we aren't studying the alien; it is studying us.”
-----
“Hello, Justina.” The words weren't words.
“Hey, Allie.” The room was lit by candles. The walls, what Erin could see of them were lined with books. “I've brought someone for you.”
“Yes. This is when I meet the thief.” The voice wasn't male or female. It tinkled like wind chimes in the rain. “Hello, thief.”
“Allie, this is Erin,” Novak cut Erin off before she could comment. “Erin, this is Allie. Don't mind her, she's nonlinear.”
The not-words tinkling came from a comfortable looking stuffed chair in the middle of the room. There was a stand beside it with two lit candles. A paperback book rested between them. There was a void in the chair, and that void was Allie.
“Why am I a thief?” Erin stared at the void in the chair. She tried to find form and purpose in it. She gave herself a headache.
“You steal,” the void tinkled. “Or will steal. After your lover bleeds.”
“I don't have a lover.”
“Then you have something to look forward to, thief.”
“Allie takes a little getting used to,” Novak said. “And that's not her name. Or gender. We have to make up a lot of things when talking about Allie.”
“'Know then thyself. Presume not God to scan. The proper study of mankind is man',” the void tinkle-quoted.
“I should never have let you read Pope.” Novak shook her head and pulled up an empty chair.
“Why am I here?” Erin looked away from the center chair. The less she stared into the void the less her head hurt.
“Allie's studying us.” Novak gestured towards a chair Erin hadn't noticed before. “Have a seat.”
“You said that already.” Erin remained standing. “What does it mean?”
“It means, Erin,” the void spoke right at her. “that I am performing an assessment of your species. You, and the others, represent the best of your kind.”
“And you see the future?”
“I am the future.”
“Allie's … complicated.”
“Your language, sadly, isn't.” If a void could wind chime sigh it did.
“The best I can narrow it down to is this.” Novak sat facing Erin; even she couldn't look at the alien too long. “One day each of the applicants will come to Allie and ask for something.”
“And we'll be judged for what we ask?”
“Something like that.”
“When?”
“That's up to you.” Novak shrugged. “Some have already asked; others haven't.”
“Has Inyari?”
“Yeah.”
“Inyari was found wanting,” the void pronounced.
-----
“So, no vomit comet today?”
Erin looked around the mess hall at the usual suspects. Everyone was accounted for except Gina.
“Gina saw Allie last night.” Inyari said the words so solemnly into her oatmeal Erin knew she'd stepped in something.
“Allie the Alien?” Erin still thought the nickname was too on the nose.
“Uh huh.” Inyari was still staring down her breakfast.
“I'm guessing from your expression she's not getting fit for her red, white, and blue super suit.”
“They're … I guess they're keeping this pretty hush hush, but Linda was in the infirmary last night when they brought her in. According to Linda there wasn't much left, and what there was didn't last long. She said it screamed. Not Gina. Not her. It.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“What happens now?”
Inyari shrugged. “Not sure. From what I heard they aren't letting anyone else down.”
“That's … reassuring actually. I spent the last week wondering about Allie and all the stuff around her. Got myself lost down some unmarked-helicopters-are-in-the-air rabbit holes. Shutting it down after something like that? I'm a little less worried someone's gonna erase my sister.”
“We'll see.”
“I've been … I've been meaning to ask.” Erin stumbled as she tried to find the least shitty words. “Allie said you've been there.”
“Twice.” Inyari nodded. When she looked up for the first time that morning, Erin could see the rawness around her eyes. “When doctor Novak introduced us and when I presented myself.”
“Is that what it's called? Presenting?” To Erin it sounded like something one baboon did to another, but she didn't want to get the stink-eye.
“That's what I called it.”
“What did you ask Oz for?”
“That's a pretty big can of worms. A tub.”
“I won't say anything bad if ya tell me.”
“I'm not …”
Erin took Inyari's hand under the table.
“I asked Allie to make me better.”
-----
“You awake?” Inyari's question tickled the back of Erin's neck.
Erin nodded. She'd woken a long time ago little-spooned into the red head. It'd been hours since last night, but she could still taste Inyari.
It was wonderful.
“You have a good time last night?”
Erin nodded so rigorously Inyari had to pull her head back to keep from getting bopped on the chin.
“You giving me the silent treatment?”
Erin shook her head just as hard.
“I'd say the cat had your tongue, but that was last night.” Inyari traced a finger up Erin's hip.
“I didn't hear you complain.” Erin wiggled closer into Inyari's embrace.
“Roll over. Please.”
It took some acrobatics to get untwisted from the sheets. Inyari didn't make matters easier running her hands along Erin's sleek skin. Her touch was electric; Erin returned it as best she could, promising herself she'd do better once she was turned.
Inyari's kiss was intense. Not overpowering or probing. That had been last night when they fell into the red head's bed together. When weeks of kisses and caresses crescendoed.
“Do I really taste like that?” Inyari asked when the kiss ended.
“Don't know, I was too busy tasting me.”
“You're sweet.”
“You must be talking personality.” Erin kissed her again. “Cause flavor-wise I'm definitely tangy.”
“Whatever you say, beautiful.”
If Inyari hadn't been looking her in the face she might not have noticed Erin turn her head downwards. Erin caught herself in time to stop the sigh her body almost automatically heaved. She planted a kiss on Inyari's belly hoping her lover hadn't seen the wheels clicking behind her eyes. The day had started too perfect to start fighting.
“I don't want to be that girlfriend.” Inyari laced a finger under Erin's chin and nudged her to look up at her. “I've had partners try to change me enough times I know how much that sucks. But it hurts my heart you can't take a compliment.”
“I'm trying. Honest.”
“I know you are, sweetie.”
“But I'm built like a boy.”
“If you think that they did not teach sex ed in your school. Trust me. Last night I conducted an in-depth scientific analysis and you are all woman.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I know what you've told me. Doesn't mean I like it.”
“I'm a stick.”
Inyari placed a hand in the middle of Erin's chest.. “So you're a little small up top; it makes it easier to feel your heart beat.”
“You're making this hard.” The edge's of Erin's eyes were damp.
“Putting yourself down?”
“Exactly. Yes.” Erin wanted to look away, but forced herself not to.
“I'll take this,” Inyari patted Erin's beating heart. “over a couple pounds of pretty fat any day of the week.”
-----
“She's getting worse.”
“I know.”
Erin sat in the same seat in Novak's office she had the day she'd been accepted into the program. There was no evidence that Novak had done anything to tidy up the place in the intervening two months. On the contrary, more had been added to the stacks.
“She woke up coughing blood this morning.” Erin felt a little dead inside saying it out loud like that. Like it was an admission. Like it made it more real. “And it's been days since she was even up for a run.”
“It's not going to get any better.”
“She has got better.”
“For a few hours. Maybe a couple days. Those little pockets of normal can't be trusted.”
“You're being a dick.”
“I am.”
“Why?”
“I took an oath. Do no harm. If I let you …”
“You admit Allie can fix this.”
“That's an awful generous interpretation of the words that came out of my mouth.”
“Even if it's only a maybe, isn't it worth a chance?”
“I'm wrapping my heart around losing Inyari; I can't lose you too.”
“Is that final?”
“We both know nothing's ever final. But for tonight … this is how it stands.”
Erin didn't bother saying goodbye and Novak didn't blame her. The old doctor took a couple minutes after Erin left to compose herself. Even then she wasn't able to get back to work.
“Good night for a walk, I suppose,” Novak said to no one.
She grabbed her keys and ID from their places in the mess. Given the state of the desk she couldn't be blamed for not noticing the hall pass was missing.
-----
Erin didn't bother with a flashlight. She knew it was just a matter of time before it failed. Before whatever it was that surrounded Allie leaked and snuffed out the light. So she got the biggest candle she could smuggle into the base and set off down the barren tunnel. Since Novak shut it down they didn't even bother maintaining the lights leading up to the dead zone.
She'd made it a few yards before the candle blew itself out. Erin's curses echoed down the corridor as she wedged the hall pass between her knees and tried to light a match one-handed in the dark. A couple months ago that isolated darkness was the most terrifying thing she could imagine; now she knew what was worse. That was on the other side of the dark.
Erin used up most of her pack getting the candle back. If it went out again she'd be blind somewhere between the exit and the alien. She was still closer to the former. It wouldn't be hard going back and getting more matches, but the more people who saw her meant more chances she'd be stopped.
It was slow going from there. Erin stuck the hall pass under her arm while holding the candle in her left hand. The right was used to shield the flame from the air currents made as she moved, but even that wasn't perfect. Erin had to keep the pace steady or the wind overwhelmed her hand and threatened to flicker out the flame.
“I am not the heroine in a gothic novel,” Erin said out loud every time she was forced to stop to keep the light going. Maybe if she said it enough times she'd believe it.
An hour in Erin finally saw the light. Erin hadn't been sure the guard had been pulled, maintained, or doubled since Gina got dragged out of there. A few hundred yards from the door Erin could at least tell someone was there. She was almost on top of it when the same guard she'd met before stepped around a corner, pistol raised.
“Don't shoot.” Erin tried to hold her hands up as best she could with everything. “I'm here to see Allie.”
“That's not going to happen, miss …”
“Erin. We met before. Doctor Novak introduced us. Your name … I don't remember your name, but I think it rhymed with mine. Karen? Sharon?”
“Sharon.” Sharon lowered the pistol, but didn't step out of the way. “That's as may be, but I've got orders.”
“Me too.” Erin used her shield hand to pull the hall pass out. “I'm supposed to deliver a message to Allie. Novak sent me. I've got the proof right here.”
“This is the first I've heard about it.”
“All I know is I got shoved down the murder hole with a candle and a message. I figured by now they'd have've rigged up something with a string and two cans so I didn't have to, but here we are.”
Erin held her breath as she extended the hall pass towards Sharon. For all she knew they had set up the strings and can. Or some other workaround for whatever it was Allie did to tech. The plan fell apart if Erin guessed wrong.
Sharon took the hall pass. Erin's heart slammed against her ribcage as the soldier looked over the weathered wood front and back. Fingers that had held a gun seconds before worked their way across the furrows of the words.
“You'll have to sign.” Sharon handed the pass back to Erin.
“Sure. Anything. You don't need to keep that?”
“Hell, no.” Sharon got the clipboard. “I don't care how safe Doc says that is, I don't wanna touch it anymore than I have to.”
“It's radioactive?” Erin wanted to drop the damn thing, but couldn't.
“It's alien. It just looks like that for … I don't know. A joke? Doc didn't tell you?”
“There're lots of things she never told me.”
“That figures.” Sharon took the clipboard back.
“You saw her? Gina?”
“Yeah. That was bad.”
“How bad?”
“You worried what's gonna happen to you?”
“Yeah. A lot more than I thought I was going to.”
“You'll be ok. Doc wouldn't have sent you here if she didn't think it was safe. Just go in there, deliver your message, and get out. As long as you don't ask for anything you should be safe as mice.”
-----
The void was waiting by the largest bookshelf flipping through Day of the Triffids.
“Hello, thief.” The words tinkled as Erin passed through the door. Like she walked through some very social wind chimes.
“You knew I was going to steal this?” Erin held up the hall pass.
“And now you know too.”
“You know how crazy that sounds?”
“No.”
“It isn't going to kill me, is it?”
“No.”
“Are you trying to make this hard?”
“Yes.”
“At least you're being honest.” Erin walked to the opposite side of the room and knelt there staring at the space to the left of the alien.
“I always am.” The void didn't follow.
“If you knew all that, then you know what I'm here for.”
“Yes.”
“And I still have to ask?”
A page flipped in the book, but Erin didn't see the hand that turned it.
“She's dying.” Erin drug every bit of pain she could into those three words.
“So is every other person on this planet.”
“Maybe. Technically. But not as fast as her.”
“Three died in the time it took you to say that; two in my reply.”
“That's … fuck you. You know what I meant.”
Another page flipped.
“Ok, since you know everything why don't you tell me what Gina asked for. I bet it was selfish as … I bet it was selfish.”
“The dancer asked to save the world.”
“And you killed her?”
“Yes.”
“You're a monster.”
“That's neither question nor command.”
“Tell me something I don't know.”
“Justina will be here … I think the word is soon.”
“Can you help Inyari?”
“No.”
“Can't or won't?”
“No.”
“Then what's the point of you?”
“No.”
“That's not an answer.”
Another page was turned. The book was almost over.
“Ok. If you can't help her is there someone who can?”
“There is.”
“Who?”
“You.”
“How?”
“You're close.”
“Is it a wish? Do I have to wish to be made into something that'll help her?”
Another page turned.
“Was that so close you'd be cheating if you answered?”
“If the dancer hadn't died how long would it have taken you to present to me?” The void was looking straight at her. Erin didn't know how she knew, but she knew.
“Not long. I don't know; maybe a week.”
“And would you have asked the same thing?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn't know it was that bad yet. I thought … I don't know what I thought, but it wasn't as bad as it is. Inyari's stubborn. Proud. We didn't even talk about her visit to you until after Gina …”
“Gina can still get her wish.”
“I don't understand.”
“No.” The book was on the last page now.
“I can't live without her.”
The final page started turning. Erin heard voices outside.
“Make me something that will save her.”
The hall pass began to glow as soon as the words were spoke, wrapping itself up Erin's arms. It shifted from blue to red when it reached her shoulders. Purple by the time it hit her heart. Until it had passed over all her body and all the possible colors. In this spectrum and all others.
Erin was distantly aware of Novak and Sharon screaming, but their voices were muted. She looked down at her body unsure if she was on fire or if she was the fire. The only pain she experienced was when she focused on a shade of red that played along her torso. The shade of Inyari's hair.
The light grew more intense. So bright Erin could see Allie for the first time. Erin was right, Allie was a monster. But so was Erin for going along with all this. If Erin could shed a tear for Gina she would have.
Then Erin stopped seeing anything.
-----
Fifty years of no heat and sea air had left the wood rotting. The nails rusted.
The stairs would've creaked complaint under the weight of an average woman. Four of them collapsed, at random intervals, under Inyari's heavy tread. Each time she grabbed for the railing; each time it crumbled into a palmful of rust. Red. Painful. Biting. Blood and exhausted iron mixed in the dim torch light in almost identical colors.
The sky was hidden and grey by the time she reached the lamp house. The sea more so. What light reached Inyari made her dark skin more vibrant while dulling her red hair.
“Tag!” Inyari screamed at the sea. “You're it.”
The sea went on muttering to itself, oblivious to one scared bleeding woman screaming at the top of a lighthouse no one even remembered.
“I'm not dumb,” Inyari yelled to the sea. “I know you're here. The fishermen saw you. No one else believed them, but I know better.”
Only the gulls replied.
“And it's not just them. You should see how these waters show up on thermal. You'd think the last three hundred years happened to another planet looking at the satellite feed. And we both know why that is.”
The waves nodded.
“And that's only the tip of the iceberg. You wanna talk about the cancer?”
The sea laughed at her.
“Fine! Be stubborn. That's just great.” Inyari turned her back to the sea. “You know me. I'm not giving up. No matter how long you make me play this stupid game. I am here and I am not leaving until we've talked.”
Inyari counted to ten waiting for something to give. Some sign that she wasn't the only person on that desolate stretch of sand and rock and sea. Gulls chanted back at her. Waves pounded waves. She counted to ten eight times before she whirled around and faced the water again.
“I love you!” Inyari's words echoed over the ocean. “Isn't that enough?”
Her grip was too angry. The rail more rust than iron. Inyari trusted it with more of her weight than her balance could take. The lighthouse stood fifty feet if it was an inch; the cliff below was half again that distance.
The rocks were coming up fast.
-----
Part of Inyari knew she hadn't hit the rocks or landed in open ocean. What she was on was too soft to be stone, and while it moved it moved with a swift certainty and intelligence the sea simply lacked. The part that knew she was safe. Knew she'd found what and who she was looking for. That part was drowned under torrents of fight-or-flight chemicals.
“It's ok. It's ok. I got you.” If a foghorn could coo that's what it would sound like.
The fact that Inyari recognized the foghorn didn't ease the terror; didn't make the adrenaline dissipate. She kicked blindly at one of the oncoming walls only to have her foot slip off the wet side. She didn't start to calm down until the walls closed in around and over her.
“Put me down,” Inyari asked the walls and the foghorn. “Please.”
The walls opened beside the broken railing. Inyari could tell they were fingers when she rested her hands on them crawling off and back onto the lighthouse. She knew what she'd see if she turned to look at the face of the foghorn, but she huddled by the lamp house refusing to turn until her breath returned to normal.
“You followed me.”
The lighthouse stood fifty feet if it was an inch; Erin's voice boomed down from above it. Her mouth so close the spray of her words misted the dirty glass.
“That was the deal. You run; I follow.”
“I'm sorry.”
“You sound huge.”
“I am.”
“How huge?”
“I don't know … This is the closest I've come to a landmark in … forever. How big do those sailors you were talking about say I am?”
“Big as Godzilla. With tits bigger than the Goodyear blimp.”
“I'm … no.”
“Sailors, right?”
“Only people I know who can mistake a manatee for a topless lady.”
“Before I … before I see you,” Inyari chose her words very carefully. “Is there anything else I should know?”
“I'm the same as I was the last time you saw me.”
“You were twelve feet tall.”
“Same as then, just taller.”
Inyari steadied herself on the lamp house as she stood. It was somehow important that she be on her feet when she confronted Erin. She didn't know why, but it felt right and she welcomed an excuse to delay the inevitable.
When she turned Inyari made sure to look up. She'd worried that she might've overcompensated, but when she stared straight into Erin's collarbone she realized she'd underestimated by more than a dozen feet.
“Can you step back?” Inyari asked.
“I'm freaking you out.”
“No. Well, maybe a little, but mostly it's … I can't see all of you. Just bits.”
“Ok. Just stay clear of the edge. You almost gave me a stroke when that railing gave way.”
The base of the lighthouse was level with Erin's waist. The rest of her went down the cliff to the sea below. Inyari couldn't be sure, but the way Erin held herself made her think the larger woman's feet touched the bottom. The more the towering figure walked away the more sure Inyari was she was wading in water's deep enough to drown.
It was Erin. There could be no doubt about it. The same hands, the same belly. The same lithe body and the same freckle on her cheek. Only the freckle was big as Inyari's fist. And the rest was sized to match.
“That far enough?” Erin didn't have to project to be heard over the waves.
“Yeah.” Inyari did.
“You look good.” Erin looked down at the water instead of Inyari.
“Full recovery. Thanks to you.”
“I didn't mean … that's good to hear.”
“Ok. I gotta ask. Where'd you get a one piece that size?”
Erin's face scrunched as she tried to process the question. Inyari could almost see the lightbulb go off when Erin had.
“Oh. This. This isn't clothes.” Erin gestured at the dark mass covering her torso. I … uh … it's barnacles.”
“Barnacles? The things that stick to ships?”
“Guess I look a lot like a ship down there.” Erin shrugged shoulders wider than an office building. “I do a pretty good job keeping them off my face. They don't seem to like my arms or legs. I think maybe it's cause of all the swimming I do. They don't like that kind of motion.”
“Does it hurt?”
“My skin's pretty thick. No.”
“Oh.”
“They fall off if I stay out of water long enough. I could stay up for a while. If that's what you want.”
“I'd like that.” Inyari's head twitched the way it did when she kicked herself mentally. “I mean cause I wanna see you, not cause I want you naked. I'm still pissed at you.”
“That's fair.”
“What you did with Allie was fucking stupid.”
“You were dying.”
“No! You do not get to make me cry when I'm bitching you out for abandoning me.”
“What choice did I have? The second they figured out it was my cells that'd fixed you Novak was out and that douche-canoe Roberts was sizing me up for a cage or a dissection table. He'd take what he needed to heal a bunch of other rich twisted assholes and bury me so deep God would forget me. I had to leave.”
“You didn't have to leave me.” Inyari stood at the edge where the rail had been, shouting her pain at her lover.
“I left a note.”
“A note doesn't cut it.”
“I was scared.”
“So was I.”
“I was twice your size. I'm …” Erin held up her hands and looked down at her self. “… more now. And I don't know if I'm gonna stop. I'm not girlfriend material; I'm a monster.”
“You're my monster.”
“I … give me a second.” The salt water on the edge of Erin's eye had nothing to do with the sea.
“And you're not.” Inyari sat down on the edge letting her feet dangle over. “A monster. That thing I said about tracking you down. I wasn't following a path of destruction. You've healed a lot more people than just me.”
“I don't mix with people.”
“Don't have to. I got better just breathing you in. There're people in town that aren't diabetic anymore. Don't have cancer. After eating fish that swam in the same waters you're in. Hell, there's one man who doesn't have Alport's anymore. That's a genetic condition. You're healing people from the genes up. You're saving the …”
“Don't say it. Please.”
“You aren't responsible for Gina.”
“Part of me believes that. The part that doesn't is bigger than that lighthouse.”
“Are you gonna run again?”
“What's the point? You'll just chase me.”
“That's the deal.”
“Ok. Maybe I'm not a monster or titzilla, but what kind of relationship can you have with someone like me? I don't fit anywhere but the sea.”
“I'll learn scuba. If you promise to beach yourself from time to time.”
“There's more to a relationship than banter.”
“Yeah, there's love.”
“I was talking physical stuff.”
“You did hear me say I'd learn scuba?”
“I'm serious.”
“Me too. Ok, maybe I was joking about the scuba thing, but this doesn't have to be weird unless we make it weird.”
“I've wanted to kiss you since I saw you standing on the rail.”
“Me too.”
“I'm all salty. And I probably have barnacles on my lips. And I haven't brushed in months so my breath stinks like tuna. And …”
“I don't mind.”
Erin put her hands on the sides of the lighthouse to steady herself as she leaned down. If she closed her eyes and stopped thinking it was easy imagining the curved stone was Inyari's shoulders.
The mouth that lowered itself towards Inyari was bigger than her. The lips taller. The breath behind them more than her lungs could hold.
They were both trembling when they made contact. Both closed their eyes and imagined what it had been before and guessed at what it would be like going forward.
The two women were still trembling when they pulled apart, but their trembling was in synch. As were their breaths and heartbeats.
“Tag. You're it.” Erin's words washed over Inyari; they both knew it was going to be alright.
Everyone deserves to see themselves in size fantasy. Representation matters. Reminds me of a Tumblr post I once saw: "Flat-chested giantesses and short-dicked giants are just as awesome and overwhelming as any other biggo."
ReplyDeleteI'm glad they made it weird anyway.
Wow. That was beautiful.
ReplyDelete