SizeCon 2023 Post Two: Three and A Half Days Skirt

Me. Art by Lushaani

I didn't spend all of the six hour drive to SizeCon staring at my purple fingernails, but I'd be lying if I said they didn't draw my gaze or make me feel happy. 

Gender euphoria is real and I got to experience it for one very special long weekend.

I took it as an omen when I walked into the hotel lobby and saw Didi Star checking in. A very confident woman who happens to be trans. I knew I was in the right space and had made the right decision being myself for the weekend.

Didi was having issues with her reservation; I wanted to get to my room to change out of my gender neutral outfit (black slacks and a purple "Nevertheless She Regenerated" t-shirt) so our hellos would have to wait. She DM'd me later and we got to share a hug. More than one. There may have been tears.

After I dumped my road outfit by the side of my bed I didn't wear a stitch of male clothing until Monday morning. And it was marvelous.

There are times when I identify as a man (or at least am comfortable with my body). Other times I'm a woman. Most of the time I'm not in a comfortable place to present that way. I think my work and neighbors could adapt (or at least shut up about) to me expressing myself, but I worry about the times I'm male. I don't want to give any ammunition to the "rapist pervs can get away with anything by having a 'transgender moment'" bullshit the right's been tossing around for over a decade.

But that's about as negative as I want to go with this post, so I'll move on.

The level of welcomeness and respect I felt from everyone at the Con was amazing. I am so glad I chose to do this. I knew this would be the case. I know people who've had their own transformative experiences at past SizeCons. Miss Kaneda's in 2016 looms large on that list (as does she), but she's not alone.

I had some great conversations with people further along in their journey and a few who are starting their own. I can't tell you how many trans women, trans men, non-binary, and other gendered people that I encountered over the weekend. I will give some shoutouts to a few. 

I've already mentioned the wonderful Didi and Kaneda. Lushaani had a booth across from me in the vendors' hall. She drew the lovely illustration that starts this post. She was great on the diversity panel as well as the SizeCon radio play where she made transmasculine non-binary hottie (cut-and-pasted from their Twitter bio) The Assistant crack up (but not break character). 

It's going to sound sappy, but every time The Assistant said my name, it touched my heart. Their voice was so full of warmth and welcome. It was like being hugged from across the room.

Alexa Ballon Girl made me cry. In the good way. I don't think anyone I met loves this Con as much as she does. Her passion for it is inspirational and I sincerely wish that her dreams of a South American SizeCon come true. Soon.

I don't know how I've made it so far down this list and not mentioned Addie Smith. She is amazing. She was a last minute addition to the Microphile panel I moderated and gave a presentation on BDSM I couldn't say no to. Women in suits are a thing for me. :) She is thoughtful and generous.

I think I met Kaela Luna through Addie, but it's all a blur. We'd interacted a little online, but really hit it off in person. Kaela enabled my inner MST3K nerd. A lot. It was hard seeing her in a crowd and not tossing out riffs only she and I would get. I think I restrained myself to one high pitched "I'm commiiiiiiiiiiing!" Which is a very fun riff to toss around a fetish con. Especially when someone gets it. Thank you for that.

There's Janice who I'd met at previous Cons, but haven't spent as much time with as I should. She's braver than I am.

This was my first introduction to Kat. In-between rocking various flirty outfits, organizing karaoke, and running a booth, they are an excellent visual artist. I got to chat with them a bit before the Con and had the privilege of moderating a couple panels they were on (Size History and Microphile). 

While she's not trans I have to mention ButterRiceBooty. I ended up spending a good deal of time with her and her husband Robclassact and she was a great friend and ally. There were a number of little ways she made me feel welcome as Joan that I know sound trivial, but meant a great deal to me. Thank you.

And thanks to everyone who said I was beautiful. I probably deflected the compliment, but it felt good hearing it.

I'm going to post this and kick myself when I remember someone else who should get a mention. My worst, if wiser self tells me that'll happen five minutes after I get back to work and can't edit the blog for 10 to 12 hours.

The only regret I have was missing the Size Trans Social. Not that I didn't want to go; I honestly got the time flipped in my head and realized I'd missed it about a half hour after it ended. I wanted to hear others' stories. Share a bit. Ask questions.

There's one I'll ask the readers of this blog. It's about misgendering yourself. Intellectually, I get it. I've been referring to myself with one set of pronouns and another name my whole life. I know old habits die with their owners. When other people accidentally use the wrong pronouns I'm quick to forgive. I know they're trying. I know the body I'm wearing looks extremely masculine. I have more trouble forgiving myself when I slip up. Is self misgendering something you've done? Do you feel worse when you do it versus someone else accidentally dropping a "he" bomb?

It is the Thursday after the Con when I am typing this. The fingers flashing across the keyboard are still painted purple. In a few days I'll have to wipe it off and go back to the day job. But a few days ago I was at a table sharing a meal with friends, in skirt and blouse when I saw the chyron on the news tell us that the Tennessee drag ban had been set aside by a federal court. 

To everyone who made that moment possible, thank you.

SizeCon 2020

SizeCon 2023