The Out Of Timers
A Love Letter To SizeCon
copyright 2023 Taedis
Tags: suggestive and crude language
“This is the one that fails, right?”
“No.”
“Yeah. 2023 SizeCon. That's, like, right in the middle of Coven.”
“Covid. And it's more like the tail end.”
“But everyone catches it.”
“They didn't.”
“Thanks, Professor Exposition.”
“One of us had to read the damn brochure, Merci.”
“History is boring.”
“Then why are we here?”
“That's different. This isn't words on screen, this is people.”
“You got a point.”
“People who are about to fail.”
“They do not fail.”
“Ok, they all didn't get … whatever. Just the SizeCon gods.”
“They were not gods. Ok, maybe Jitensha and Chwani. And you're right they got it. But you're wrong about everything else.”
“And I suppose I'm wrong comparing Jitensha in her hotel suite to Tantalus in Hell. Or is Ncuti Annveig a dumbass too.”
“There's no way you read Wolf At One.”
“I have layers.”
“I thought history was boring.”
“It is. But my SizeLit 101 professor was hot.”
“I don't need …”
“I wanted her cock so bad I could taste it.”
“I … what do you want to do next?”
“Get small and ride around in your mask all day.”
“Can't. We left the Kelton back at home.”
“Yeah. Back at home. Real shame about that.”
“You didn't.”
“No!”
“Good.”
“I mean why would we travel through time to the dawn of SizeCon with a machine that could safely shrink, grow, inflate, expand any person or body part with a thought? That'd be awesome. Sorry. I meant 'irresponsible'.”
“This is why we're banned from the Jurassic.”
“Those butterflies had it coming.”
“What do you want to do? That doesn't kick the space/time continuum in the crotch.”
“This whole thing was your idea. You pick.”
“We can try the escape room. That ought to be ready to go again after lunch.”
“Is it Revenge of the Puppet People? Professor Hot Cock RAVED about that one.”
“I don't blame her, but we're a few years early. The brochure says it's Escape The Toy Chest. They rate it the third hardest one Syrus Durham made before he passed the torch to Aliana and BetterCallSmol.”
“That's one hour.”
“I figure we can make a swing around the vendor's hall.”
“We already did that. And we can't buy anything anyway. Even if you had the dimples to pick up anything you know they aren't gonna let us smuggle it back.”
“Dimples?”
“You know … gonads.”
“I think your slang translator's off a couple decades.”
“Whatever. That room's full of treasure and we can't lick a drop. Like Jitensha in Hell.”
“I want to check out the Size Library and Museum.”
“I thought we were in New Jersey.”
“We are.”
“That's in Minneapolis.”
“That's just the Library. The Museum ended up in Concord when they got too big to be in one place. But that doesn't happen till … it's going to be a while. Right now the SlaM's sitting on a purple tablecloth a couple walls over.”
“That is not the Size Library or Museum.”
“Everything's gotta start somewhere.”
“I didn't see any hat. Just some tall lady with a purple fetish.”
“It was on the table. The AC was straining and she took her hat off. You'd have noticed if you weren't going gaga over Aborigen.”
“Gammy Campbell quoted him in her wedding vows. You know how much I love Gammy Campbell. And while we're on the subject of gaga … what's the deal with you and sweater dude?”
“I have no idea what you're talking about.”
“The dude with the sweater that was clearly made for him. The one who looks completely overwhelmed and totally zen at the same time.”
“Robclassact?”
“That's him? He looks nothing like his portrait.”
“He was 85 when they painted that.”
“So?”
“So today he unveils his first book.”
“That room is full of first edition copies of Napalm Rosetta? Screw the fuzz; I'm shrinking a dozen and smuggling them back up my butt.”
“He doesn't even start that for another ten years. I thought you took SizeLit.”
“Never said I passed. Kinda stopped listening after …”
“Short Stories About People Getting Bigger. That's his first book.”
“Never heard of it.”
“It's more a 200 level class. Not as well known as his later works, but still a classic.”
“You sure know a lot about Robclassact.”
“Well …”
“Can the ballon juice and squeal.”
“Do me a favor and don't talk to any of the natives till we can get that translator fixed. That was painful.”
“Painful shmainful. Talk.”
“My great grandmother did one of those penny tests when she was a teenager.”
“If that sentence was supposed to mean anything, I think you need your own translator repair.”
“She was the last generation to have one cent coins. Called 'em pennies. The government lost money keeping them in circulation, but made up for it with all the genetic samples they collected. Grandma's test showed she was the great great etc grandniece of ButterRiceBooty.”
“The guy who shot Robclassact?”
“The woman who married him. The world renowned artist who painted his Smithsonian portrait.”
“I was kinda close.”
“My aunt was named after her. I was named after my aunt. So …”
“That's where Butty comes from?”
“So?”
“Where is she?”
“Around. I don't know. I want to get a look, but it's better from a distance. Don't want to wipe myself out of existence. Long as we're wearing these and we don't talk to her, she'll give us a wide berth.”
“The green wristbands?”
“She's the Con photographer. Green wristbands mean we don't consent to have our pictures taken. It's like she's a vampire, pictures are our blood, and this is garlic.”
“I thought they were just real bad at bondage in olde tymes. Like they hadn't discovered knots yet.”
“You'd be amazed what they've thought of.”
“Anything else I should know about? Other than you stalking your celebrity ancestor. Alleged celebrity ancestor.”
“There's a lot going on in the world out there. The Tennessee drag ban is about to be lifted.'
“You're not making sense again.”
“Neither was Tennessee. Let's see. What else? … Somewhere out there, Lupita Vega's mom is pregnant with the greatest Size artist to ever walk the planet.”
“Wow.”
“A couple thousand miles from here Elle Largesse and Psuedoclever are having there first face-to-face meeting.”
“'What if … a tiny person and a really giant person had SEX?' … Best first line ever.”
“Thought you failed SizeLit.”
“I'm not heartless.”
“And inside these walls two hundred souls are laughing, singing, and connecting. Alexa Ballon Girl is going to take that magic and make it bloom in South America. They'll be getting their first SizeCon. That himbo in Boy Toy leather is close to being fully recovered from their carpal tunnel. The Assistant'll be drawing and playing video games better than they were before.”
“How long?”
“South American SizeCon or himbo playing Fatal Frame?”
“Either. Both.”
“Soon.”
“That's no answer.”
“It won't feel like it to them. But … soon.”
“Maybe I was wrong.”
“Mighty big of you to admit that.”
“Don't pun me when I'm being serious.”
“Wouldn't dare.”
“Maybe I got the dates wrong. '27 must've been the one I was thinking.”
“No.”
“'29? I know it was an odd number in the boring 20's.”
“I don't know what you're thinking of, but it's not SizeCon.”
“Ok. You've filled me with the spirit of SizeCon, but nothing's perfect.”
“Over the years it had its stumbles, but it never failed.”
“How'd they pull off that miracle?”
“All those laughing, singing, connecting people. Here and thousands of miles away. They won't let it.”
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